Scar's Novel : The Voices Of Clamor

[Scar]

"Behold! The King of deer!
On his antlers he intends to carry the whole world,
His crown is a scar,
and his mouth speaks the tongue of wolves.

His reign shall stretch from sea to sea,
but everything will end in fire."

***

Three young deer trekked with difficulty through a great snow storm. The wind spun and whirled, and its roar was deafening. The snow flakes rained in massive quantities, reducing visibility to only a few meters. The bitter cold froze to their bones, despite of their wonderful winter coats that protected them.

"Confront the Windbeast now that our antlers are weak... foolishness!" One of them lamented.

"Neir, if you're afraid, turn back. You know this is the only season in which you can confront the Windbeast. Better now, before they fall off." Replied the lead, pretending to annoy him.

"I'm not afraid..." Neir grumbled after a while, even though he was really frightened.

How far could the Windbeast live? They had traveled for several hours, and sometimes it seemed close, others far. Neir wondered, with every step he took, if coming here had been a good idea at all. Because, of course, if they did manage to chase off the Windbeast, the benefits would be tremendous... but, could they really manage to?

"You only remember the road back," Neir thought to himself, trying with his simple job to forget everything else. Storm or no storm, nobody would get lost as long as Neir was here with his mind maps of the mountain.

A while longer they advanced, and suddenly, underneath the savage howls of the Windbeast, Neir thought he heard some voices. Merely whispers under the whirling winds... he doubted whether they were real or a product of his imagination, but he judged the words he could decipher disturbing enough to alarm the others.

"Camut! There is somebody! S-somebody!"

"Calm down Neir! What's going on?"

"Somebody's following us! They're two of them! One said "hungry" and the other "not yet"!"

Camut stopped, and his body was stiff as his great rounded ears rotated, listening carefully by one moment. Neir, too, sharpened his hearing, but this there was only the Windbeast.

"I don't hear nothing!" Camut snorted. "Stop imagining things! You won't scare me!"

But just then came a terrible scream behind them. It was Motz!

"Roarfang! Roarfang!" Repeated she without stopping -- but for when the two males had assumed their battle positions, it was late:

From the white snow emerged two roarfangs, bringing Neir down in very little time. Camut tried his best to scare them away, but there were two of them, and they were big.

Just then, the bellow of a Great Horn rumbled across the snow scape. The big cats froze, they lowered themselves against the snow and bared their fangs; Camut then took the chance and charged at them with his head low. Just then the war cry appeared again, and not wanting to take any unnecessary risks, the roarfangs retreated.

"Neir! Are you alright?" Camut cried, seeing his fallen friend immobile and fearing the worst.

"Do I look alright?!" Neir snorted, both terrified and furious.

In fact, he didn't. He had a large wound on his head, and his horn on that side had snapped.

"No..." Camut admitted, but inside he rejoiced, knowing that despite of everything, his wounds weren't too severe and that his friend would certainly recover.

***

[mistwolf]

I like it. It's a good story so far. I just have a few critiques.

First of all, maybe describe the characters a little more? Just so I can picture them better. The snow scene is very vivid, and I can see it clearly, but I can't picture th deer too well. My other critques are on this section in general:

"Roarfang! Roarfang!" Repeated she without stopping -- but for when the two males had assumed their battle positions, it was late:

From the white snow emerged two roarfangs, bringing Neir down in very little time. Camut tried his best to scare them away, but there were two of them, and they were big.

Read more: lionking-rpg.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=chat&action=display&thread=107#ixzz1TPmjJWd9

For one thing, "repeated she without stopping" is a little awkward. "She repeated without stopping" might be better. Instead of "but for when the two males had assumed their battle positions, it was late:" Maybe "but by the time the two males assumed their battle positions it was to late."
Instead of "brought Neir down in very little time" maybe "swiftly took him down" or something, and instead of "there were two of them and they were big" maybe "the two large creatures were far too much for him"?

Just a few suggestions. It's a great story.